Nothing knocks you down a peg like going to the doctor’s office with the happy news of a pregnancy, only to leave the appointment labeled “advanced maternal age.” Wait a minute. I contour! My hair is balayaged! And just the other day, I had a younger coworker show me how to “draw” on my Instagram story, right after showing me how to make an Instagram story! If anything, I’m advanced at social media now, thank you very much.
I guess it could been worse. The phrase “advanced maternal age” was coined by the medical community to replace the much harsher “geriatric pregnancy.” A good thing too. The last thing anyone needs is a shortage of sensible shoes at Aerosoles. And what about Chico’s? Somewhere, a CEO is pounding his desk in anger at the missed opportunity to market brightly colored tunics to moms barely pushing 40.
OK, OK…all jokes aside, I know this is serious business. Since turning the big 3-5, I can admit my body isn’t what it used to be. My knees feel a bit creaky now when I go on a run and my bedtime is unintentionally getting earlier and earlier. I spend most Saturday mornings rewinding the previous night’s episode of Dateline, after falling asleep before the big whodunit is revealed. Not to mention, watching Dateline on the couch is literally my new idea of a date night.
Here are 5 more signs that you too are of “advanced maternal age:”
- The first thing you do after work is get into your pajamas. I’m not talking sexy. This is about comfort. Take for example the matching flannel pajamas you bought your family last year for Christmas. Lets just say yours have made quite a few appearances since the holidays and will be noticeably more faded in photos, should you decide to organize another group shot this year.
- You use serum religiously. You may not know exactly what it does, but you slather that hope in a bottle on your face day and night. Perhaps a friend in-the-know told you about it. Maybe you were sold some at a coworker’s Arbonne party. Or maybe, just maybe you were tagged in this Instagram meme (there I go, being social media savvy again):
- Your idea of partying has gone from girls night out to girls day in. Speaking of Arbonne (or Rodan+Fields, Stella & Dot, Pampered Chef or any promising essential oils brand), your calendar is full. Show me a girlfriend hosting a party in the middle of the day and I’m there. A couple glasses of wine and some cucumber sandwiches later and I’m feeling like the Queen of England. I’m making purchases like her too. But it’s ok…I NEED this stuff!
- You shop at home décor stores. Let’s be honest. I don’t care how much of that serum you are using, you passed the age of going unnoticed in stores like FOREVER21 a good
fiveten years ago. But who cares? The temptation to shop there is now magically gone. Once you reach “advanced maternal age,” you are more interested in recreating Joanna Gaines’s style in your living room. Bonus points for knowing who Joanna Gaines is!
- It’s all baby talk on date night. And I don’t mean cutesie voices over a shared dessert. I mean you and your husband talking about your kids or baby-to-be for the better part of the evening. You’ve probably heard this before. There are countless articles offering up advice from experts who call this a major romance killer. But here’s the thing. I spent the better part of my 20’s going on dates with the wrong guys talking about the wrong things (or not talking at all…hubba, hubba!). Then, at 30-something-years old, I finally met my future husband. You could say it took a lot longer than I expected and perhaps that’s why I’m now pregnant at an “advanced maternal age.” Chances are you have your reasons too. Maybe you worked on your career or struggled to conceive. Hell, maybe you just weren’t ready yet. Whatever it may be, it’s ALL worth talking about, even on a date night. And even if that date night is on the couch in your pajamas 😉